Did I ?

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This is a self inspection letter after a tragic toxic love story. In the midst of suffering, I decided not to take it on myself. I wrote, to try to understand and find answers to why it did not work out, which I did. Sometimes the faults are not on others (Though it may seem the easiest way to understand and explain all the hurting). Sometimes the answers are within us.

It is presented in 4 chapters that are actually 4 different poems, written at different times, representing 4 phases to healing. Healing starts when you acknowledge “the hurting”, then “face it”. Healing from a toxic relationship is also about “humility”, acknowledging that it takes “2 or more people to make one”.

Chap I : It hurts like a breakup

Does it hurt your side ?
Words fell short on mine.
From the soul, tears flood.
The only language left.

Do you feel empty ?
I am torn apart.
You stole something in me.
On the fine border
Of loving and hating,
I can only blame me,
For letting you in.

Chap II : Light on

Why ? Did I close myself in ?
Clearly, I wasn’t fit for the relationship,
Felt like a prisoner.
Do we attract what we are ?
Maybe was I the toxin ? The whirlwind ?
Lost in my wrecked self.
Like a mirror, my insecurities
Reflected in our relationship.
And, maybe I locked myself up
With you, to flee them demons.
They just keep running after me,
Devouring every new chapter
Of love, I open.

Chap III : The beast within

It all was built on walls of lies.
So fragile, as fake.
Crumbling with every drip of truth.
Somehow I expand in,
the darkness of my lies.
Like the sunlight and bat
Truth is too bright to bear.
I tried to walk in your Light,
Burnt myself to fit you.
I’ll Just wait for dusk, to love.
I was born under moon
In a sunny world.

Chap IV : At the end, Love

Did I know? Was I warned?
Did I see, how consuming ?
It all was.

Did I believe in utopia ?
Maybe some part of me did?
Believe in more than utopia.
Believed in us.

Our love was utopia,
Perfection in its flaws.
A beautiful whirlwind,
Only flawed souls
Like us, could understand.

We were more than utopia,
We were in love
And Haven it was.

Gahungu

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